How To Undress Your Knight in Shining Armor
Suppose you’re a 21st century gal who is suddenly transported to medieval times (yes, I’m sure this happens all the time). You meet your knight in shining armor and now it is time to…well, get to know each other better. Unfortunately, he is encased in the world’s largest chastity belt and you’ve neglected to pack your bolt cutters. So how do you pry your knight out of his metal suit?
Fear not, his squire got him into his harness (suit of armor) and you’re going to get him out. If your knight is armed in full plate “cap-a-pie” (an old French saying meaning “head to foot”) then you have time warped into the mid-fifteenth century. Despite looking like an impossible burden, most suits of armor were surprisingly flexible and weighed 45-55 pounds, about what today’s infantryman carries. Unfortunately, this armor was exceedingly hot and many a knight survived the battle only to die later of heat stroke or suffocation. So let us begin to extricate your man post haste.
The first step is to start with the helmet. Look around the back to find leather straps and buckles that attach the wrapper, a metal piece in front of the helmet, to the armet (the rest of the helmet). Underneath, your knight may be wearing a rather goofy looking quilted bonnet tied under his chin. Never fear, this is easily removed and serves to prevent brain damage from occurring during combat (a knight who can recall his own name is always preferable to one who can not). Now you can step back and take a good look. If his visage is appealing, give him a saucy wink and continue on.
The gauntlets should be easy to remove by slipping them off, possibly with a strap at the inner forearm. Next is the armor on the arms, called the vambrace, which is actually in three pieces covering the shoulders, elbows, and forearms. The shoulders were particularly vulnerable to attack from sideways hits and downward blows that glanced off the helmet. Thus, the pauldron, or shoulder armor, was often substantial, giving your knight that husky linebacker look. To remove, the shoulder plates were tied to the top of the shoulder using waxed leather laces, which attached the pauldron to the arming doublet worn underneath. The pauldron was also strapped under the arm. The rest of the vambrace, an elbow piece called a couter and the lower cannon that encased the forearm, was attached the same way, tied to the arming doublet and strapped around the arm.
Once the arm defenses are removed, you come to the cuirass, which covers the chest and back. The steel plate armor could be formed so it followed the fashion of the day and was often ornately decorated. Since your knight has spent a considerable sum on his armor, take a moment to admire the craftsmanship and show him you appreciate the cost.
The cuirass in the 15th century was made of several pieces to allow movement and was hinged together on the left side so it can be removed in one piece. The left side of a knight was more likely to be hit, so the straps holding it together will be found on the right. Undo the buckles and the entire unit should slide off. A thick iron chain mail collar called a standard, used to protect the neck, can be removed over the head.
The leg defenses are easy to remove as they are simply strapped in the back of the leg. The cuisse protects the thigh and may also be laced at the top to the arming doublet. Moving down the legs, the poleyn covers the knee, the greave covers the shin, and the sabaton covers the foot. Once these are removed your knight should be looking a bit more human and a lot less cy-borg.
Under all this armor, your knight will be wearing an arming doublet and long woolen hose, much like stockings, that have built in leather soles at the bottom of the feet for shoes. The arming doublet has special leather laces fitted with metal tips or “points” with which to attach the pieces of the armor. The doublet also has gussets or sections of chain mail along the inside of the arms to protect places that are not covered by plate when fully armed. A chain mail skirt will be tied or “pointed” to the arming doublet. This skirt serves to protect the knight’s private parts…let us hope it has done its job well.
The woolen hose is tied at the top to the arming doublet. These can be untied and removed revealing linen drawers, like the modern day boxer shorts. The doublet can be untied in front uncovering a loose fitting linen shirt. Once you have removed the shirt you will have your knight in discarded armor wearing nothing more than shorts and a smile. I think you can take it from here!
Please note: Man in picture is representational only. Actual results may vary.
References:
Gravett, C. (1996). The World of the Medieval Knight. Peter Bedrick Books, New York.
Wise, T. (1976). Medieval Warfare. Osprey Publishing Ltd., London.
Also check out a Pictorial Glossary of Armor to see pictures of many of the armor pieces described above.
August 21st, 2009 at 5:50 pm
This was FAAAAABULOUS! Can’t wait to hear more from you!
August 21st, 2009 at 7:46 pm
Cool blog! I can’t wait for more entries!
August 21st, 2009 at 1:23 pm
Wow if I knew that’s what knights looked like underneath all that junk I would have tried alittle harder to find one of my own. Glad to find you here – you are quite saucy indeed!!
August 21st, 2009 at 1:39 pm
Hi Sophie,
Glad you liked the post. I’m afraid I can’t guarantee your medieval knight will look like that – waxed chest and all – ha!
Amanda
August 21st, 2009 at 2:48 pm
Hi Amanda~
My only problem is the lack of a guarantee about what the knight will look like once undressed. Ah well.
What a funny, great blog! You’re off a terrific start.
Kris
August 21st, 2009 at 3:13 pm
Who knew learning history could be so much fun! Looking forward to reading your next entry.
August 21st, 2009 at 3:18 pm
Hi Kris,
Ah, if only life came with guarantees and all men looked like underware models. That’s the nice thing about writing historical fiction is I can make my heros have rippling abs and all their own teeth!
BTW – just got a copy of the “Conquerer” and enjoying it!
Amanda
August 21st, 2009 at 4:51 pm
Amanda, I love the site, it’s beautiful, and the blog was great. After all that work on the armor, it’s too bad there isn’t a better guarantee on the results, you certainly found a fine specimen under yours!
Congratulations on the new site!
Chassily
August 21st, 2009 at 5:21 pm
Hi Lori! Hi Chassily!
Thanks for your comments. Yes, it’s too bad you don’t get a better assurance on what return you’ll get on your effort after removing all that hardware. I thought it my duty to advise all you time-traveling gals!
Amanda
August 21st, 2009 at 7:30 pm
This is on the very top of my list as entertaining and informative blogs. If you write stories as well as you write blogs, I am going to fill my library shelves with your stories. I am a pushover for anything Scottish so this can certainly crawl under the radar for me. Thanks for sharing your wonderful talent, Amanda.
I was fortunate to see a suit of armor up close and personal. One of my friends had one in her home and when we played Bunco at her place, we would take turns rubbing his mail, that’s his chain mail, and the time would be full of silly girlish giggles even at our age.
Thanks!
August 21st, 2009 at 7:51 pm
I have a book with pics, Amanda, but you did it so much better. Darn, I want THOSE results! Thanks for the smile!
August 21st, 2009 at 9:34 pm
Hi Paisley!
Thank you for your comments – I am truly honored! You must have some fun friends to have their own suit of armor. Rubbing chain mail indeed!
Amanda
August 21st, 2009 at 9:39 pm
Hi Gwynlyn!
Glad you enjoyed the blog! I wish you similar results the next time you happen to be undressing your knight. You have the right name for a medieval heroine….hmmm, I’m thinking sequel here.
Amanda
August 21st, 2009 at 9:48 pm
Wonderful blog topic. Don’t you just love those Osprey books, thanks for posting the sources as well. Much success with your first book, it sounds wonderful. Having had a 8 by 10 inch square of chain mail made for me to use in the classroom, I can’t imagine that any man wearing it wasn’t fit underneath it all, it is incredibly heavy to hold let alone wear.
August 21st, 2009 at 10:34 pm
Hi Jody!
Thanks for your comments. What class do you teach that you had some chain mail made for you? Sounds like a lot of fun – I want to go too!
Amanda
August 22nd, 2009 at 8:27 am
What a fun first blog post, Amanda. Very clever. When I’m reading, the heroes under the armor all look that gorgeous…except for the bad guys. They’re the ones with the paunch, poor hygiene, and the missing teeth.
And I love your new website. Great graphics, colors, and pictures. Can’t wait to see what your actual cover looks like when it’s available.
A knight in discarded armor…sounds lovely to me.
Laurie
August 22nd, 2009 at 9:22 am
Wouldn’t it be sad to go through all that work and discover a beer belly and back hair? Too tragic.
Great site! I look forward to returning in the near future.
August 22nd, 2009 at 10:22 am
Great blog! Glad to see another new Medieval romance author, too.
Margaret Mallory
August 22nd, 2009 at 12:49 pm
The site looks fantastic, and your post is very educational… and yummy
August 22nd, 2009 at 1:47 pm
Awesome website Amanda…you wanna do mine???
If only I can find a Knight as lovely as him…please don’t tell my husband I said that:-)
August 22nd, 2009 at 3:32 pm
Hi Laurie! Hi Kate! Hi Margaret!
Sorry your comments took a while to post – still trying to figure out all the settings on this blog thing. Thanks for your comments — I’m glad you enjoyed it. It was fun to write, and choosing the pictures wasn’t such a bad job either!
Laurie – isn’t it nice that all medieval bad guys neglected their hygiene so you could tell from smell alone their badness? Very convenient I say!
Kate – back hair? urgh – much too tragic! I can only guarentee that my heros will NEVER have hairy backs.
Margaret – I loved Knight of Desire! There really needs to be more medieval romance in this world!
Amanda
August 22nd, 2009 at 3:38 pm
Hi Jessa! Hi Tamara!
Thanks for your comments! I wish I could take credit for the design, but being I complete technophobe I hired a pro to do the job. I’m very happy with the results!
Amanda
August 22nd, 2009 at 5:45 pm
this is great! keep up the good work – very entertaining!
August 26th, 2009 at 7:19 am
Your mom-in-law forwarded this to me. Congratulations again!!! I don’t know about the book as of yet, but I do like what I saw in the knight. And I actually READ most of the instructions. How do you young ‘uns do it all?
August 28th, 2009 at 11:11 pm
Amanda -
I was too exhausted after taking my two littles to the Evergreen State Fair to finish my own blogging week at Damned Scribbling Women, so I posted your link and told everyone to come undress your knight in shining armor.
I love your look – the whole site is fabulous, down to the two shades of green used in your name at the bottom. Great details here.
Anna Richland
http://dscribwomen.blogspot.com/
February 20th, 2010 at 9:16 am
You never disappoint! I am a late viewer of your blog, having read about your knight undressing instructions long ago, but what fun! Great website and blog … and good call to hire a pro to do it for you. You saved yourself scads of time and effort to come up with such a good product. I am waiting for your release … and Mar 2 is just around the corner.